This post is about toilet paper.

Hello. i am writing about toilet paper, because unfortunately it is the topic on my mind, and i must blog about it before i (forgive me) crap a brick.

Once upon a time, in a little town called Shakopee, lived a man and his wife and their little boy. And the wife was in charge of paying for medical bills, groceries, with groceries usually encompassing all necessary home goods. Said wife was having to be creative to pay for those things, and all the little surprises that come up with her paycheck. She liked to buy things in bulk, because buying them that way generally produces savings. She also would buy generic brand items as much as possible.

The husband and wife's little boy was turning one year old! The day before his party, the household ran out of toilet paper. Wifey decided since they were having a party to buy name brand toilet paper that would be a party for the tushies of all their guests, provided they needed to use it. This was on February 15. She bought 12 rolls, in a package calling it 12 double rolls, but we all know they are just regular rolls and would rather have our packaging be up-front about it. Well, today the husband was looking around the linen closet and bathroom closet, finally calling out to the wife "We are on our last roll of toilet paper!"

This caused the wife to have feelings of mildly explosive rage, but she merely sang "i bought 12 rolls less than a month ago! There must be more in the closet!" But to no avail. The toilet paper she had bought was not enough to get two adults and two parties through one month.

i needed to write that story out because if i write in a cutesy manner, i will be less apt to use exaggeration words like "he always" and "if only i had a good lawyer."

But seriously, folks. Two adults. 12 rolls of toilet paper, and 3 1/2 weeks later we're out? i'm also going to say this. In my efforts to conserve, i have put forth an effort to reduce the use of everything. i mean everything. Not Sheryl Crow conservation, but a good amount. i really try to use as little as possible.

Not to be crude, but that leaves us with this question: how much is my husband using? He does use t.p. to blow his nose. He has a mild case of allergies that he hypochondriacally calls severe and blows his nose seemingly several (hundreds?) of times per day. Honestly, i'd rather have him using t.p. for it, since facial tissues are more expensive, plus he always has to double them up, and only uses one set per blow. (i've seen him go through a box of kleenexes on a day when he wasn't sick.)

i'm thinking, though, that maybe our toilet paper roll is also partly to blame. It rolls with such ease! It encourages one to keep rolling more and more out. It is anxious to please. i was at the doctor this morning, doling out yet another urine sample, and the toilet paper dispenser roll thingy was stuck, so it didn't swing around. i had to manually roll the toilet paper over the back of the roll and out again in order to get any. i am sure i used less than would i have had full swinging action from the roll. It makes sense: if you have to work harder to get the toilet paper, you'll take less, right?

i'm sitting here, figuring that if i continue at this rate, about $10/month, that is $120/year on toilet paper. Is it worth it? Should i rig my toilet paper roll to stick? Should i tell Kris to use a handkerchief for his nose? Really, $120 a year will buy $100,000 of life insurance. If you're brave enough, please let me know A: how much you think you spend on t.p. and B: what i should do about my t.p. touchy subject!