PPD

So for the last few weeks, i was starting to feel really sad. All the time. Like at any moment, i could have burst into tears (and often did). And i was just thinking that it was my hormones adjusting from giving birth. But i was starting to also go around in a haze, and very sadly, i was starting to not care if Cadence was crying, which she was doing from like 6-10 PM. i just sort of shut down emotionally to her. (It turns out she just wasn't napping enough. It's Kris' fault but that's beside the point). i could only sleep for a couple hours at a time, and even that sleep didn't help, because i think i was sleeping nervously, like i knew i wouldn't sleep long because Cadence would wake up crying. Again.
My mom suggested that it was post partum depression, and i felt silly that i hadn't thought of that. It totally was. Did you know you can get PPD up to a year after you have a baby?
So i called my doctor, and he put me on Wellbutrin. i've been on it for about a week now. i gotta tell you, it's weird, but helping. It's weird because i'm still having trouble getting to sleep, but i wake up feeling rested, not exhausted, even if i didn't sleep much that night. Also, i'm feeling a little more in control, and more energetic to chase after David during the day. David has been a brat lately, but i've stopped feeling like he's being a jerk to me on purpose, and it has more to do with how Cadence isn't going away and all the toddler stuff he's going through.
i feel a little bit more hazy than before, which will hopefully go away. i also can't finish a sentence. When i have conversations with people, i have to stop in the middle of a sentence to remember what i was saying and finish it. And it still might not make sense. But overall, i'm really glad i went on it, and now i'm just going through the adjustment period of being on this stuff, and figuring out the best dosage, etc.
Thankfully, Cadence is behaving much better lately since i started putting her down for naps whenever she was really fussy for no reason. She's also starting to self-soothe a little bit. i hear her wake up in the middle of the night, kick around for a while, and then go back to sleep. She's actually slept through the night 2 of the last 4 nights! Which is good. She's sick right now so she's kind of a pain, but it's not her fault. i'm trying to keep her calm with lots of little feedings and baby Tylenol.
Here are the side effects that i've been having with Wellbutrin, though, for anyone searching for this online:

• dry mouth
• food and drinks don't taste as good anymore. Which is sad, because Dr. Pepper used to be a highlight of my day, and now it's just ok. (i think this happens because Wellbutrin is also a stop-smoking aid, so it makes your mouth all gross so you don't want to smoke anyway. This is pure speculation, however).
  
• trouble sleeping
• constantly feeling a little bit foggy, like i've had a little bit of wine. Which isn't so bad, but it's a strange feeling at 9 AM.
  
• my thumb twitches for minutes at a time sometimes. 

The good really outweighs the bad, in my opinion. And i've been told that most of the side effects go away after a few weeks.
So that's kind of what i've been up to for the last few weeks. This is one of the first days where i could write this out and mean it: things are good, and getting better. Also, my friends in real life have been helping me out. A lot. And i've needed it.
So yay.
More birth story as soon as i can!

Resolute

i'm not normally a New Year's Resolution gal. This year, i find myself really wanting to change some of my habits, so i'm posting them here. Maybe as motivation to be held accountable, maybe because i'm just giving in to peer pressure from all yall, but, nonetheless, here's my plan.

Food:
More whole grains.
Avoid needing two sandwiches by filling one with more stuff.
Fill my sandwiches with healthy stuff.
Hummus or mustard instead of cheese or condiments.
Portion out my meals before i eat, stick to only what's on my plate.
Soda 1x/day, no exceptions.
Only one unhealthy meal a day. Mac and Cheese for lunch and pizza for dinner don't provide many nutrients.
Always have washed, cut up vegetables in the refrigerator.

Money:
Spend less.
Eat out less, if i'm paying.

Marriage:
Cook more of Kris' fav foods, i.e. snickerdoodles.
Keeping the house cleaner will help Kris feel better. i should do it.
No walking off while angry, even if i can't think of anything to say and i just want to run away.


Parenting:
Spend more time reading up on the kids' developmental stages and trying to help them in those areas.
Less tv for David. It's getting ridiculous, though it's tough to keep him entertained with Cadence as high-maintenance as she is.

Me:
Use my cool new Wii fit at least 4x/week. This doesn't sound like a lot, but more than that is too scary to commit to right now.
Lose 1 lb/week for 20 weeks.
Get tan.
Only buy clothes that i love and love me back. If i have to save a while and spend more, so be it. i'm sick of the cheap bargain clothes that don't fit quite right and make me feel really uncomfortable. In the mean time, i don't have many clothes that fit excellently and i feel like a schlub most of the time.
Read more. Get smart. i'm definitely getting stupider.
Be a better daughter.
Be a better friend.

This is where i'm at this year. Part of keeping the house clean and eating out less and being a better mom and wife has kept me off the computer as much as i had been. This will probably continue. Bear with me. i love you all.


What are your resolutions?