So for the last few weeks, i was starting to feel really sad. All the time. Like at any moment, i could have burst into tears (and often did). And i was just thinking that it was my hormones adjusting from giving birth. But i was starting to also go around in a haze, and very sadly, i was starting to not care if Cadence was crying, which she was doing from like 6-10 PM. i just sort of shut down emotionally to her. (It turns out she just wasn't napping enough. It's Kris' fault but that's beside the point). i could only sleep for a couple hours at a time, and even that sleep didn't help, because i think i was sleeping nervously, like i knew i wouldn't sleep long because Cadence would wake up crying. Again.
My mom suggested that it was post partum depression, and i felt silly that i hadn't thought of that. It totally was. Did you know you can get PPD up to a year after you have a baby?
So i called my doctor, and he put me on Wellbutrin. i've been on it for about a week now. i gotta tell you, it's weird, but helping. It's weird because i'm still having trouble getting to sleep, but i wake up feeling rested, not exhausted, even if i didn't sleep much that night. Also, i'm feeling a little more in control, and more energetic to chase after David during the day. David has been a brat lately, but i've stopped feeling like he's being a jerk to me on purpose, and it has more to do with how Cadence isn't going away and all the toddler stuff he's going through.
i feel a little bit more hazy than before, which will hopefully go away. i also can't finish a sentence. When i have conversations with people, i have to stop in the middle of a sentence to remember what i was saying and finish it. And it still might not make sense. But overall, i'm really glad i went on it, and now i'm just going through the adjustment period of being on this stuff, and figuring out the best dosage, etc.
Thankfully, Cadence is behaving much better lately since i started putting her down for naps whenever she was really fussy for no reason. She's also starting to self-soothe a little bit. i hear her wake up in the middle of the night, kick around for a while, and then go back to sleep. She's actually slept through the night 2 of the last 4 nights! Which is good. She's sick right now so she's kind of a pain, but it's not her fault. i'm trying to keep her calm with lots of little feedings and baby Tylenol.
Here are the side effects that i've been having with Wellbutrin, though, for anyone searching for this online:
- dry mouth
- food and drinks don't taste as good anymore. Which is sad, because Dr. Pepper used to be a highlight of my day, and now it's just ok. (i think this happens because Wellbutrin is also a stop-smoking aid, so it makes your mouth all gross so you don't want to smoke anyway. This is pure speculation, however).
- trouble sleeping
- constantly feeling a little bit foggy, like i've had a little bit of wine. Which isn't so bad, but it's a strange feeling at 9 AM.
- my thumb twitches for minutes at a time sometimes.
So that's kind of what i've been up to for the last few weeks. This is one of the first days where i could write this out and mean it: things are good, and getting better. Also, my friends in real life have been helping me out. A lot. And i've needed it.
So yay.
More birth story as soon as i can!
8 comments:
So glad to hear that you're doing better! Things got pretty bad for me when Ashlyn was about 6 months old. A lot of people don't think about PPD after a while. They think it's an immediate thing, but with both my babies, it took longer than that for PPD to "kick in."
To me, it had built up slowly, so I didn't think even see it get as bad as it did, and then suddenly, well... I was having some pretty scary thoughts.
Others knew immediately what was causing that, and I was like, oh... duh.
Diagnosing it played a huge role in overcoming it.
I'll be praying for you to continue feeling better and all that good stuff.
Glad to hear you sought help... I've been in your shoes... twice... so I understand the feeling.
One thing I would say is that after a few weeks, if you're still feeling funky, you may want to talk to your doctor about adjusting your dose or even switching medications. I've had pretty good luck with the generic form of Zoloft - but every person reacts to things differently.
Hang in there and just remember it's a chemical thing, not a mom thing! Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow!
I am glad that you were able to diagnose the problem and take the right steps towards feeling better. Here's hoping things continue to look up!
I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself! I know it probably wasn't easy. I hope your meds work well.
If I can give some unsolicited advice, I'd like to say not to stop taking your meds without dr. supervision. If you abruptly stop zoloft or wellbutrin or the sort, that can really mess you up. You've gotta wean off, apparently.
I'm watching myself for signs of ppd and so far I don't think there are any, but I'll continue to be on the lookout for the next, oh, 11 months.
I was wondering where you were and a little worried about you. Glad you got some help. It's just that season of your life right now and I know it's got to be tough with two little ones. Praying for you, friend.
Jessica-I have SOOOOO been there. I'm sorry I haven't called to see how you've been doing! You need to come over for a playdate!
I'm glad you're doing better--way to take care of yourself! :)
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know some people get needlessly embarassed to talk about their ppd. I am glad you know that it isn't your fault and you feld comfortable sharing. You may have helped someone else out!
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